Top 10 Hanukkah Gifts for Dad

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Coming up with Hanukkah gifts for dad is never easy — but that’s why we’re here. We’ve got more ideas than Hanukkah has nights.

Literally.

We’ve done the work, filtered out the junk, brainstormed the options and hand picked a whole bunch of ideas just for you. Actually, that’s a lie. This list is not just for you. But why should it be? What have you ever done for us?

But anyway. It’s a great list — and thorough. If you can’t find something on this list that will make your dad happy, your dad kinda sucks. Get him a Target gift card or whatever. But if he’s even a little bit awesome, read on.

Here Are Our Top 10 Hanukkah Gifts for Dad

  1. Wallet Comb

Real men carry combs. Your dad is like Samson (yeah, Torah!) — his strength is in his hair. Help him keep everything nice and neat up top so he doesn’t look like Doc from “Back to the Future” every time the wind blows. Small enough to fit in his wallet, this artistically designed comb blurs the line between hair and haute.

  1. Star Wars Jedi Knight Bathrobe

The Force is strong with your dad. He named the family dog Tauntaun and stares at him a little too intently every time it snows. There was that time he spent a night in jail when he tried to pull the old “these are not the droids you’re looking for” trick when a cop pulled him over for speeding. Every time they’re home alone, he makes your mom dress up in that Princess Leia slave/leash outfit from “Return of the Jedi” and tell him how badly she wants his lightsaber.

Wait. Were you not supposed to know about that?

You’re about to give your dad the gift of having his own jedi moment every single morning. The second your dad puts on this soft, hand-stitched, detailed robe, he becomes Obi Wan — lightsaber and all. Your mom is going to LOVE this.

Sorry.

  1. Immersion Circulator

Your dad can cook — or at least he tries. His kitchen, however, is incomplete. Why, you ask? No immersion circulator. Turn on your TV any time after midnight and you’ll see overly enthusiastic salespeople hawking contraptions to a live audience full of old people feigning enthusiasm. Set it and forget it. Slap and chop. Here’s a cheap, plastic ramekin for poaching eggs in the microwave.

Gimme a break, infomercial host. I don’t believe you. Nobody smiles that much. Your apron is stupid.

An immersion circulator is not one of those gimmicks. Used by the best chefs in the world, the immersion circulator is virtually silent, it works with the pots and pans your pop already has. It gives him total temperature control and eliminates hot and cold spots.

  1. Magnetic Spice Jars

Cluttered space, cluttered mind, cluttered life. That’s a saying I stole from I think maybe Martha Stewart — or some other obnoxiously organized person who lives to tell you that your house is all wrong.

Organization is crucial in the kitchen, and spice jars are a lot like other people’s children. They get in the way, they create clutter and take up too much space. Spice racks and organizers are nice, but they’re yet another thing competing with appliances for precious countertop real estate.

These magnetic spice jars stick right to the fridge and make an awesome honeycomb pattern, keeping your dad’s spices close at hand, but out of the way.

  1. Laser Cut 3D Wood Map

Tell your dad to make room on his wall. That faux Picasso he’s had since Carter was in office is going to enjoy it’s new home in a cardboard box in the attic. Honestly, check out these amazing relief maps carved out of birch wood. The company’s cartographers spend years researching and creating the carvings to exact geographic specifications using multiple reference maps of national landmarks like the San Francisco Bay, Lake Tahoe and the Great Lakes.

  1. Ye Olde Butcher Shop Poster

As long as he isn’t stuffing a rolled-up carpet with feet poking out of one end into the trunk of a car, there is something awesome about a man holding a cleaver and wearing a blood-covered rubber apron.

Butchers are the masters of meat — and meat is the stuff of life.

This laminated, old-school butcher shop poster is more than a conversation piece for your dad’s kitchen, man cave, basement or garage. It’s a direct link to a time when steak and pork chops went from adorable animal to your plate with a single pit stop in between: the old-fashioned butcher.

  1. Larousse Gastronomique

Larousse Gastronomique sounds like the name of a French woman who American GIs liked to visit while on R&R in Paris during World War II — until the next day when it hurt to pee.

But it’s not. It is, in fact, the most important book ever written on the topic of cuisine. Larousse Gastronomique is the Torah of taste. The Gospel of gourmet. The Scripture of sauce and saute.

I’m out of food/holy book alliteration. Is pops into cooking, eating or the history of food? Then there is simply no better gift you can get him.

8. Multi-Tool Key Device

Does your dad have so many keys that he walks around looking like a janitor? Not that there’s anything wrong with being a janitor. Well, actually, there is something wrong with being a janitor — way too many keys!

OK, let’s start over.

Does your dad walk around with so many keys that he looks like a prison warden? Wait. There’s nothing wrong with being a prison warden, either. Unless you’re the warden from “The Shawshank Redemption.”

HATE THAT GUY!

This is going nowhere. Buy this thing for your dad. It will help him keep all his keys organized in his pocket.

9. Scarf with Pocket and Smartphone Zipper

The first recorded instance of a scarf being worn was by Egyptian Queen Nefertiti in 1350 BC.

At least I think so. It’s hard to tell, being that their alphabet consisted of pictures from my kid’s See ‘n Say. And anyway, this is a guide for Hanukkah shopping. Maybe the Egyptians aren’t the best example for this scenario.

Let’s start over. Throughout history, scarves have only done two things: keep normal people warm in the winter and give metrosexual men another accessory to bust out any time the temperature drops below 64 degrees.

That’s all changing.

Meet the scarf with a pocket for your stuff and a window for your cellphone. After you meet it, buy it for your dad.  

  1. Vintage Copper Flask

Your dad has three options when it comes to feeding the monkey while on the go:

  1. He could drink from a bottle in a paper bag.
  2. He could simply just not drink at all if he’s not at home or in a bar.
  3. You could buy him a flask. A classy, rustic, manly, copper flask that is designed to preserve the flavor and body of fine spirits.

Let’s be honest, option two ain’t happening. Option one is great — if you’re one of those vagrants outside of the bodega who checks the pay phone coin return for missed quarters and smokes spent cigarette butts that they find on the sidewalk.

That leaves you with one good option. You know what you have to do.

 

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About Author

Andrew Lisa

Andrew Lisa is a freelance writer living in Los Angeles. Over the course of his life, he has received a mountain of gifts that were unusable, ugly, impractical and otherwise unforgivably disappointing. Many of the people who bought these gifts were decent and well-meaning human beings. They weren't bad people, they were just bad shoppers. All they needed was a little guidance and direction when picking out that perfect something for that special someone. He does not want your guy to suffer as he has suffered.