Top 5 Valentine’s Day Gifts for Men

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Guys are always quick to take a shot at Valentine’s Day …

Its only purpose is to twist a guy’s arm into spending a little more money after the holidays …

It’s a fake holiday that forces you to buy yet another $5 Hallmark card …

It’s made for vain, shallow chicks who get off on shaming their single coworkers by showing off roses on their cubicle desk …

… OK. If we’re being honest, they might have a point with the first two. As far as the third? Screw you, you dried up old hags in accounting — someone loves me! And if these flowers aren’t enough proof, go check out my Facebook page, where I pretend my life is awesome!

Anyway, your guy doesn’t hate on V-Day like his chump friends, and if he does, at least he has the decency to keep it to himself. He ponies up and buys the stupid drug store chocolate. He goes to the flower store (sure, he asks ‘how much if you take out the baby’s breath?’ but you don’t know that).

Most importantly, he doesn’t ruin it by saying, “You like that bracelet I got you? Yeah? Soooooooo … Can I get a …”

And you’re going to reciprocate by proving that it’s not impossible to buy gifts for men on February 14th. You’re going to get something awesome — and you’re going to get it right here. 

Here are the top 5 Valentine’s Day Gifts for Men

  1. Renewable Wood Sunglasses

Corey Hart wore his sunglasses at night — or so you think. It just looked like night. The truth is, it was only dark because he had to keep all the lights off in his entire house all day long to save energy and reduce his carbon footprint. You know why?

He wore non-renewable sunglasses.

Contrary to what Dutch shoemakers might think, wood is not a good choice when making accessories — usually. One of the rare exceptions are the Highland Rasta sunglasses made from reclaimed, renewable bamboo.

Any old pair of sunglasses can dim sunlight at and block UV rays, but very few can save the Earth while looking awesome.

  1. Nautical-Themed Suspenders

Drooping pants are no good for anybody, but that’s no excuse to reduce yourself to cinching your waist with a buckled strap with holes poked in it, like the thing that Dustbowl-era school kids wrapped around their textbooks before they invented backpacks.

Real men wear suspenders, and these maritime-themed shoulder belts are cool and classy at the same time.

  1. National Park Bandana

Bandanas.

From railroad tramps who tied them around the end of broomsticks to carry their meager belongings (I’m thinking whittling stick, harmonica and a tin of snuff), to Old West train robbers who used them to cover their faces (I can totally still tell that’s you, Jesse James), bandanas have always been the ultimate accessory for adventurers.

Get the outdoorsman, gym rat, naturalist or extreme athlete in your life the greatest bandana in all the land.

Emblazoned with perfectly accurate relief map of the national park of your choice, these bandanas go beyond the boring, tired old paisley pattern found on every head-kerchief from the Blair Mountain Massacre (look it up) to Bret Michaels (I don’t need you to know the history of early labor strikes in the American coal industry, but if you really have to look up the lead singer of Poison, let’s never talk again).

Really, this bandana can do anything your guy’s current bandana can do, only it looks way better.

  1. World Traveler Journal

A traveler needs a journal.

A tourist can update his Facebook page from his hotel room, but a traveler needs a journal. A traveler goes places where there is no wifi — where the only stable connection is the one between a leech’s mouth and his inner thigh.

This journal is just like the kind that men carried back when traveling meant dengue fever and elephant ivory. The high-quality, Smythe-bound pages are so smooth and soft that any paper cuts will actually improve your guy’s hands.

Old school. Elegant. Personal.

Instagram is for kids on spring break. Men who travel carry journals.

  1. Tommy Bahama Hankie

Some people blow their noses into handkerchiefs and then stick them back in their pockets. Those people are disgusting animals who are probably spreading ebola.

Your guy uses a handkerchief to bring new life to an old outfit or to make some new duds sing a little louder. When it comes to pocket hankies, Tommy Bahama is like a luau on your lapel.

It’s small, but it’s incredibly loud and totally Hawaiian — like the coqui frog (YouTube it. It’s awesome).

Everywhere he goes, he’ll have a little bit of Dog the Bounty Hunter right in his coat pocket.

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About Author

Andrew Lisa

Andrew Lisa is a freelance writer living in Los Angeles. Over the course of his life, he has received a mountain of gifts that were unusable, ugly, impractical and otherwise unforgivably disappointing. Many of the people who bought these gifts were decent and well-meaning human beings. They weren't bad people, they were just bad shoppers. All they needed was a little guidance and direction when picking out that perfect something for that special someone. He does not want your guy to suffer as he has suffered.